Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Randomize
