dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
My balls are so social today.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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