Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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