I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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