I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
Randomize
