thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Randomize
