Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
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