Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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