I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Randomize
