life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
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