Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
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