At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
Randomize
