she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
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