i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
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