Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
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