This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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