Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Every concussion has its silver lining
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
