I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
