She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
