is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
