Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
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