oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
