I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
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