We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Randomize
