You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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