My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
