you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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