The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize