Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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