The two bassists just totally made out. I NEED MENNA'S RIGHT now.
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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