Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
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