i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Randomize
