I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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