Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
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