Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
