You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
