i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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