Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Randomize
