i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Randomize
