Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
