Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
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