on a scale of one to ten, how awkward would it i told him i had to go change my tampon and then left?
11
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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