my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
Are we still banned from the library?
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize