i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
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