This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Randomize
