So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
