Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
