Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
My dick has a subreddit
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Randomize
