Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I feel like abortions should bother me more
Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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