Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Randomize
