I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
