So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Randomize