Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
Randomize
