I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Randomize
