dude i'm inner monologue high
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Randomize
