That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
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