so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
