You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Randomize
