I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
